Community Health and Wellbeing Client Liaison

An Australian version of this Finnish satire about privatising essential services and fetishising online spaces, in these heady days of #notmydebt.

– Good afternoon, Community Health and Wellbeing, Amy speaking. What can I do for you?

– …is this triple zero?

– All emergency service enquiries are transferred here, to the Community Health And Wellbeing Client Liaison Office. How may I help?

– I have such terrible pain in my chest.

– Oh that sounds unpleasant. Madam, can I just ask: have you already set up your client profile?

– Please, love, send me an ambulance.

– OK so it sounds like you would be most interested in health and wellbeing-related transport services, would that be correct?

– The pain, the pain! I fear this may be the end.

– Right, so the first thing you should do is set up your account on the MyHealth portal. In your MyHealth profile you can then define how frequently you would anticipate requiring health and wellbeing-related transport services – or any other products and services as well, of course! The default is once a year, but if you feel you may require it more often you can just update that on your profile and it will automatically adjust your payment plan.

– Oh, everything hurts, and I feel dizzy. Please, how can I get an ambulance?

– Well, Madam, there are of course several service providers available: All Saints Ambulance, SupaQuickMediTransport, Jim’s Ambos, CareWays, UberTreats… Once your MyHealth profile is up and running it will list the specific ones your insurer has partnered with.

– I have fallen over! Oh, my head! So much blood. So, so much blood.

– Right, so based on your current situation you feel you would like to avail yourself of emergency surgical services as well?

– I can’t get up!

– Do you still have internet access on the floor?

– I’ve lost all feeling down my left side.

– These are exactly the kinds of details you should enter into MyHealth. If your right hand still functions just hop on to www dot myhealth dot gov dot au forward slash consumer services forward slash users forward slash profile forward slash accounts forward slash create account forward slash define profile.

– Help! Please, help me!

– Madam, please, we don’t provide help as such, our priority is maximising clients’ choice and flexibility in – hello? Madam?

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