I get it.

You’re a young, hip thing who loves the parental figure or figures you are choosing to honour with a gift on Mother’s Day. You are doing this partly out of choice and partly because of how relationships are commodified in this crazy old world and although everyone involved knows it doesn’t actually mean anything getting the wrong kind of gift is an easy way to temporarily mess up a previously only mildly dysfunctional relationship and now your palms are already sweating.

Like I say, I get it.

It’s a tricky thing, choosing what to give this no doubt legendary, funky-in-their-own-right person on a mandated day that has so much cultural baggage. How can you be sure you pick the kinds of chocolates that don’t kill orangutans and entrench indigenous disadvantage the world over? What if it is too late to learn screenprinting? Would In the Hall of the Mountain King even be doable on the ukulele? What if that Robin-Hood-the-Fox- slash fiction isn’t organic?

Not to worry! I am a formidable off-modern woman with several years of maternal experience, and I have solved all your Mother’s Day woes with this handy infographic:

You’re welcome.